Indulging the Pope

Who are you, stranger?

“You’ve kept me waiting.”

No one told me you were here.

“That’s a poor excuse for ignoring the Holy Pontiff.”

You’re a pope. That explains the funny headgear.

“No ordinary pope. I’m Sixtus IV. Oh, I see the grimace. I’m not the evil pope they say I am.”

Who exactly is “they”?

“Historians, for starters. And the holier-than-thou Popes after me. Check this out.”

Pope Sixtus hands me a piece of paper he copied from Wikipedia:

During his period as a senior member of the Franciscan Order there is clear evidence that Francesco della Rovere fathered several illegitimate children through a number of affairs, including a son, Giuliano della Rovere (later Pope Julius II) born out of incest with his sister Raffaele della Rovere (1423-1477) and possibly one or more sons of Bianca della Rovere who married Paolo Riario.

“Yes, indulge me while I explain to you that I wasn’t such an evil pope. A future pope having children is one thing. But playing the “incest” card against me! Who the hell do they think I am, Roderigo Borgia? If I was this bad, if everyone bought into this slander, there would be an HBO show called The della Roveres. The next step would be to call me and my brood ‘cannibals.’”

What do you want me to do?

“The list goes on and on about the bad stuff I pulled. Maybe it was, by your modern standards, but now no one can handle the reality of the Renaissance world. Kill or be killed. No more Mr. Nice Guy Pope. I dealt with situations no different from the kind any other ruler had to. Take succession. I groomed a few family members for their future roles by making them cardinals. They could be popes or pope-makers. The idea was to maintain continuity and, in the case of any daughters, seal treaties through marriage.”

This is the realm of the Sardine. I don’t make it a point of helping people. Nor can I think how I could help you. Why would you think of coming here?

“Don’t act like you don’t know me. And I don’t mean as a distinguished historical personage. We share a bond, a very deep bond, and I believed you would feel compelled to hear my request.”

A request? A favor? Because we have some common ties.

“The same author.”

The Sardine is the creator of A Sardine on Vacation.

“How naive the little fish in a narrative sea can be. You never heard of Pope Sixtus the Fourth.”

You! The fifteenth century pope.

“The book, Mr Vacation. Published in 2014, six years after the book that you were the star in.”

Maybe you should stick to your own book.

“Although I’m the book’s namesake, it doesn’t deal that much with my story. I thought this would be an ideal venue to clear up the public’s misconception of my 13 years guiding the Holy Mother Church, since our mutual author didn’t.”

Even if I considered this for five seconds, why would I cede these pages to you?

“I’m already here. Sardine 75 introduced me.”

I had nothing to do with that.

“My point. You don’t have, as they say in the film industry, final cut.”

This is ridiculous. What do I get out of it?

“More columns. A faster way to complete a potential second Sardine book.”

What would you want to say?

“Unlike the Popes of recent vintage, I was not a celebrity who gauged his power by ‘likes’ on Facebook and building a Twitter following. I was known for doing things, and no bishop would have the stones to criticize my policies. I saw the future for the Papacy. It had to become a nation-state, like France, England, and Spain. We had to expand our territorial base and, if possible, unite the Italian city-states against the menace of France and Spain.”

I don’t know. I have enough material. You wouldn’t fit well with the themes I’m developing. The current crew wouldn’t be thrilled sharing these pages with a foreigner. Not to mention Frank Weathers, who would be upset if he wasn’t in fewer columns than he’s used to.

“I’ve already met them. They seem all right, except for the bartender.”

Joe T.?

“The other one. He gave me the creeps.”

Must be Wal-terr.

“I don’t think you can stop me. This is a courtesy call, so to speak.”

Is there anything in particular you want?

“Just one.”

What’s that?

“I want to speak without quotations marks”

Nothing else?

“A different font from yours”

You said ‘one thing’.

“They’re sort of two for the price of one.”